entry 4--where are you supposed to turn next?????????

 NOW THAT TRISTIN HAD MADE SUCH HUGE STRIDES IN HIS CONDITION, MY HEART COULD  COME OUT OF MY THROAT. IT HAD BEEN TOUCH AND GO FOR SO LONG, THAT I THINK EVEY ONE HAD BEGAN TO LOSE FAITH. INCLUDING ME. I NOW KNEW THE FEELING OF "IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU". IF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT. I HAVE THIS OVERWHELMING FEELING OF GUILT THAT EATS AT ME CONSTANTLY.   REASON?.....THE CHAPLAIN OF THE HOSPITAL HAD BEEN TELLING ME, OVER AND OVER, "DONT BLAME GOD FOR THIS."   AND I ALWAYS REPLIED TO HIM," HOW CAN I BLAME THE ONE MAN- THAT I NEED MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SAVE THESE OTHERS" BUT I LATER CAME TO THE REALIZATION THAT THAT IS EXACTLY WHO I BLAMED. THERE WAS NO OTHER PERSON LEFT. THE FACT THAT THE OTHER DRIVER DIED AT THE SCENE, HAS MADE A TREMENDOUS DIFFERENCE TO ME. I SHOULD BE ASHAMED. BUT THE ANGER THAT A MOTHER FEELS, AFTER SHE LAYS THAT BABY'S PERFECT LITTLE BODY DOWN FOR THE VERY LAST TIME, IS MORE POWERFUL THAN I COULD EVEN ATTEMPT TO PUT INTO WORDS. THE FACT IS, I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS DRUGGED UP ON HER PRESCRIPTION PAIN PILLS. NOT TAKEN BY DOCTORS ORDERS. SHE HAD TAKEN ALOT MORE THAN THAT. AND  I LOOKED DOWN, AS TRISTIN MUMBLED THOSE FIRST WORDS, AND I WAS EXCITED. THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY HAD JUST GIVEN US THE FIGHT OF HIS LIFE. AND MY PRECIOUS TAYTAY GONE FROM THIS EARTH.MY FULL-OF-LIFE MOTHER TAKEN FROM 7 REMAINING KIDS, 2 SISTERS, AND 43 GRANDCHILDREN, MY DAD, BIGGER THAN LIFE ITSELF, AND VERY MUCH STILL NEEDED HERE- WAS GONE FOREVER, AND TIF, STRUGGLING WITH THE FACT THAT SHE MAY NEVER HAVE CHILDREN.  AND WHY? BECAUSE THAT WOMAN COULD NOT WAIT 10 MINUTES,(YES SHE WAS 10 MIN. AWAY FROM HER HOME).         I KNOW FIRST HAND,.....RAGE IS A HORRIBLE FEELING. BUT I HAVE FELT IT.  EVER SINCE.

BRINGING TRISTIN HOME WAS A BITTER SWEET MOMENT. THE END OF THE CRITICAL WATCH, BUT NOW, I WAS SCARED BEYOND IMAGINATION. I DIDNT HAVE ANYONE TO TURN TO. HERE THIS LITTLE HELPLESS BABY IS.....WRAPPED IN A HALF BODY CAST, NG TUBE COMING FROM HIS NOSE, AND AT THIS TIME, THE ONLY EMOTION HE HAS BACK IS RAGE, HIMSELF. THERE ARE NO OTHER WORDS FOR IT. IF THE TV WAS ON, AND THE SOUND WAS NOT MUTED....IT WOULD OVERLOAD HIS BRAIN. CAUSING THIS REACTION. HE COULD NOT CONTROL IT EITHER, SO I WOULD HAVE TO MIX HIS MEDS AND BASICALLY KNOCK HIM OUT.     IT WAS SO EASY TO OVERLOAD HIM. NO VISITORS, NO SOUNDS COMING FROM THE HOUSE ALLOWED, NO SLEEPING UNLESS I HAD MEDICATED HIM. HE WENT 45 1/2 HOURS AT THE HOSPITAL ONCE BEFORE SEDATION. THEY WERE TESTING THAT, TO SEE IF HE COULD GO TO SLEEP ON HIS OWN.....NO, HE COULDNT.  MONTHS OF ONE ON ONE WITH HIM, AND WHEN POSSIBLE, GET OUT THERE TO FIX DINNER, TEND TO TIF, AND TY, FOR THAT MATTER. AND I WILL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. I STILL THANK GOD EVEYDAY FOR WHAT HE HAS LET ME KEEP ON EARTH, HERE. AND I MISS MY LITTLE BABY GIRL, MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY.         AFTER 6 WEEKS (LETS BACK IT UP A BIT) MY SECOND HUSBAND, TAYLOR AND TRISTINS DAD DECIDED HE COULDN'T HELP, NOR COULD HE COPE. ON MAY 19, 2006, HE KILLED HIMSELF.  

WHERE DO YOU PUT ALL OF THIS EMOTION? WELL, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I DID. AS I WAS STILL GOING MIN. BY MIN., I JUST KEPT BREATHING. I KEPT PRAYING. AND I KEPT ON TENDING TO MY BABIES. THATS WHAT I DID.

AS I MENTIONED IN A PREVIOUS CLIP, TIF HAD WENT BACK TO SCHOOL PARTTIME. SHE WAS IN HER WHEELCHAIR MOST OF THE TIME. WHEN IT CAME TO HER FIRST ORTHOPEDIC CHECK UP( BACK TO THE 2 1/2 MONTH-MARK),THE SURGEON SAYS FOR HER TO START PUTTING A LITTLE WIEGHT ON HER RIGHT SIDE AS SHE WALKED UP ONTO THE CANE--ONLY--. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FAINT. I WAS SCARED FOR HER. AND OF COURSE, RIGHT ON TOP OF HER, IN CASE SHE WERE TO FALL.(THIS BEING AFTER SHE WALKED ACROSS THE STAGE W/ WALKER). SHE LOOKED OVER AT ME AND SAID THE MOST EYE OPENING WORDS I HAVE EVER HEARD......"MOM, STOP IT!! I AM NOT MADE OUT OF GLASS!!!"

THAT MOMENT WAS THE BIGGEST BURST OF REALITY I THINK I HAD HAD TO THAT DATE. I HAD HOVERED OVER THE KIDS TO A SMOTHERING STAGE. I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT, BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY AN EYE OPENER. THE REASON FOR THAT????? I DIDNT HAVE TO GRIEVE. I COULDNT BELIEV IT, BUT I HAD WENT STRAIGHT FROM GRIEVING DAUGHTER AND MOTHER, RIGHT INTO, CARETAKER, NURSEMAID, AND HAD BEEN HIDING BEHIND THESE KIDS SO THAT I DIDNT HAVE TO TRUELY FACE FACTS. AMAZING DISCOVERY, IT WAS. AND NOW I KNEW THE WORST EVENTS IN MY LIFE WOULD TAKE PLACE........more rantings later......tc